For My Daughter

This doesn't have a lot to do with running, except for the fact that most runners that I know are a little different. I wrote it for my daughter. She came home after school today crying because she has been teased a lot lately for not really fitting in. I wanted to post it here because it may help other parents or kids deal with the same situation. Thanks for reading.


Be different.

That is the only advice I can give you. That's the best I can do when you come home crying because your classmates tease you mercilessly for not knowing some TV show, or not knowing a certain singer; a show and a singer that nobody will know a few months from now. They will have moved on to the next pop princess stuck together by executives in tall buildings with spotless windows, reflecting everything that is bright, allowing no creativity through the concrete and steel filter, allowing just enough edge to appeal to the teen girls, just enough sugar-coated filth to sneak past the already checked out and glazed over parents.

Be different from them. Focus on those differences, the ones that make you smart, loving, and beautiful. Keep the part of you that is not afraid to hold my hand on the way to school, and not embarrassed to put your arm around your younger brother and walk him to class.

You shine. We don't have the 100s of channels, and we don't listen to every Katy Gaga Bieber Bruno mash of hair and makeup and soulless singles, mainly because I just can't stomach them. Part of me wants to hand you the remote control, or give you full access to the computer and let you go at it, catch up to the cruel kids who belittle everything that doesn't match the paper cut-out. The other part of me, the part that wins, loves coming home and seeing you curled up with a book, devouring the words, writing stories, and begging me to let you stay up a little later to finish the Origami documentary, amazed at the math, engineering, and poetry that goes into the simple and immensely complex art of folding paper. I could listen to you sing all day, and I'm not really sorry that you are singing the words of some unknown hip-hop artist, one that your classmates will tease others about in a few years. I'm not really sorry, but it kills me.

I went through it, too. I was the kid who took violin lessons through elementary school and junior high and I know what it's like to feel the shame of sticking out. I had to walk to the high school after school, so I had to carry that violin case with me all day, ignoring the comments. I was so happy when my mom told me that we couldn't afford lessons anymore, and she was so sad because I was just getting good, playing in an orchestra, moving my way up through the second violin section to the first violins. My teacher said that I showed a lot of promise, but I didn't really care that much. I just wanted to fit in. I wish, more than anything, that I had stuck it out, held on to that skill because now every time I hear a beautiful piece of music, it is tinged with the dull regret of lost opportunity.

When they call you gullible, hold on to that as it is one of the greatest compliments you can receive at your age. You are trusting, innocent, and open. You believe what people tell you, without the cynicism of those that have grown up too fast and try to trick you. Keep that as long as you can.

Focus on what makes you different, because that is what makes you amazing. The people who make fun of you now and try to fit in at all costs are working on what makes them boring and their boring will increase as they get older, go to a boring college, go to boring parties with other boring people, eat a bunch of boring food, get a boring job where they fit in with boring co-workers and a boring boss, marry a boring spouse, have a couple of boring kids. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. The boring circle of life with the dad dressed in a starched white shirt and a neutral tie, holding the baby above his head as the instrumental song plays nearly imperceptibly in the background and someone whispers he has his mom's grayish bluish eyes.

I know it's hard, and that the hands that grasp at your feet are strong, but rise above it and be different. Be the amazing, talented, funny, emotional, beautiful, and smart you, and know that what makes you different now, and what others tease you about is going to make you great.

26 comments:

  1. You are an awesome dad my friend. I too have two teen girls and do i here it alot.Loved your blog, Tu amigo Von~

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  2. love it! ALL of your kids are amazing and beautiful.

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  3. Ah man, that's tough. Kids can be so great, or be so terrible to each other.

    It's a hard lesson to learn that it's OK to be different, and to find to find what makes you happy and be it. Took me way too long, so good to see you're there guiding :)

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  4. Completely & totally brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for this! It needs to be said more!

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  5. absolutely beautiful. & I could not agree more.

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  6. well said, dax! such a difficult and important lesson to learn in life...that different is better. hope soph takes your words to heart, and that she becomes a much stronger person than those who are bringing her down. I will save your words for my boys as they get older...you see, parker takes violin lessons. ;)

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  7. Dax, such a great piece...going through similar things with Gracey these days. Having these kinds of talks with her most nights before bed...encouraging her to be true to the amazing young person that she is...whole and complete...and not to follow the crowd for a cheap moment of popularity. It's a lot. I sometimes wish that I could open up her head and pour all the wisdom I have into her...but...we can't do that...they have to go through it. All we can do is provide love and support and perhaps a road map from our own life experiences.
    Good stuff...I really appreciated reading this tonight. Your daughter's a lucky girl to have you!

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  8. Dax from one dad to another.... that was a beautiful piece of advice to your smart, funny, beautifully bright Sophie... all your kids are amazing and we love them a lot. I am touched by your love of your daughter and your wisdom of life's experiences. Keep writing...

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  9. Great advice, hard to understand at a young age what makes YOU such a great person, and that fitting in doesn't always mean being the same as everyone else. Good luck!

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  10. Wow! Not only do you inspire me as an athlete, you inspire me as a parent too. Wonderful piece; beautifully written; excellent advice. You are awesome.

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  11. If only the parents of bullies had such wise words for their kids as you do for yours...

    Your daughter will shine through, how could she not with such incredible support and belief in her. Amazing.

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  12. Spot on!
    This is GOOD reading... keep up the good work as the GOOD father you ARE

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  13. WOW! That was SO good Dax! Made me cry, but loved it. :) You are a gifted writer and your kids are gifted to have you as their daddy. Bless you guys!

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  14. Great post Dax. I have a daughter and I will share this with her. Very well written and your daughter is lucky to have a dad like you.

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  15. I was shown your blog by my uncle as he knows I enjoy reading running blogs. This post made me tear up because I couldn't agree more. I have always been the kid who stood out because I had no knowledge of the TV world as I grew up with no TV or any connection with that sort of world. I never understood what kids talked about when they spoke up tv shows or popular songs, yet I learned to read when I was 3, and I was scoring top of my class in almost every subject...
    You have no idea how happy I am, now 17 that my childhood had nothing to do with TV and everything to do creativity, my family, etc.
    Being different is something I continue to try to be, and someday all kids who feel left out will hopefully realize and want that as well. Being different makes you interesting and it really does carry through your entire life.

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  16. Wow. If only more kids had Dad's like you.

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  17. Great advice Dax. :) I'll make my kids read your post.

    By the way, I used to read a finance newspaper (IBD); it had a section which according to them showed the 10 secrets for success,
    I like the list and sometimes make my kids read them aloud. One of the ten secrets is:

    "Don’t be afraid to innovate; be different: Following the herd is a sure way to mediocrity."

    I put emphasis to the part: "following the herd is a sure way to mediocrity" :)

    Reference: http://www.cfs.purdue.edu/csr/courses/csr309/IBD%92s%2010%20Secrets%20to%20Success.pdf

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  18. I can think of two very good reasons your children are so exceptional. Beautiful post.

    Mom

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  19. This is gorgeous, Dax. You are a fantastic father. Thank you for sharing this for the world to see....

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  20. loved reading this dax!
    you are a great dad! i'll have to save this so i can read it to my future kids!

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  21. BRAVO! Keep writing, encouraging reading and turning off the T.V. and radio. You will be thanked by your daughter one day and that in itself will be a grand reward. I know it was for me.

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  22. GREAT POST!!! Keep up the great Parenting, different, wonderful kids make different, wonderful adults who know how to stand tall, perservere and always stand for what they believe in. They can do this because they unknowingly learned these life skills as a kid!!

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  23. Reading this and knowing the beautiful little girl that you are talking about made me want to come and do some serious but chewin' to some bullies in Cali! Give Sophie an enormous hug for us and keep being the incredible Dad that you are! Oh, and it's not too late for that violin :)Love you guys!

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  24. Thanks Dax for sharing such beautiful wisdom and advice. We love your family! Give Sophie a huge hug and tell her how amazing we know she is!!!

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  25. Stumbled upon this while reading your most recent post. It really touched me. My oldest is just about to turn 7, and I am starting to learn what this is all about - this job of parenting. It's not about feeding and clothing; anyone can do that. It's about remembering what it was like to be a kid - the good, the bad, and the ugly - and learning how best to guide your children through the tough times into adulthood, so they can become who they were meant to be. What a crazy responsibility. Anyway, thanks for the post.

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